1
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,444
Yea!

2
00:00:45,445 --> 00:00:46,847
Yea!

3
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:48,916
Yea,

4
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:49,816
stop!

5
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:51,785
Stop!

6
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,288
Stop!

7
00:00:55,422 --> 00:00:56,523
Sit down.

8
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,026
Sit down.

9
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,796
Put the microphone stand down.
I ain't gotta be looking small out here.

10
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,231
Don't nobody know the truth.

11
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,534
What's going on? How's everybody doing?
Good? Everybody good?

12
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,303
I like that. In good moods.

13
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:12,406
I like that. You all look good.
If you're not good, you look good.

14
00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:14,608
A lot of shit is going on
in my life right now.

15
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,744
Just had another baby.
I got two babies now. Just had a son...

16
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,180
not too long ago.

17
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,716
Yep. They're both mine.

18
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,419
I can't say shit about it either.
They're both mine.

19
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:28,855
Two kids. Two car seats.
That's depressing right there.

20
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:32,259
You ever try to talk to a girl
with car seats in your car?

21
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,795
It won't happen. It's depressing, man.

22
00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:37,764
"Come here, baby, let me talk to you."
"What's that in the back?"

23
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:41,301
"Bitch, look at me.
Don't focus on the negative.

24
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:42,903
Just look at the positive now.

25
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:46,073
I'm trying to talk to you
about some serious stuff now."

26
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:51,445
Kids, man. Kids change your life.
Make you realize how things are different.

27
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:53,647
I know I'm getting older now
because of my kids.

28
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,683
I'm starting to fuss a lot.
The older you get, that's what you do.

29
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:59,353
You wake up angry.
I don't know what the hell I be mad at.

30
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:03,056
You wake up mad. When you got more
than one kid, you wake up angry.

31
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,792
"Hey, who got the thing
with the shit in the--

32
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:08,762
All right, now. All right. Hey!

33
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,464
Heads in beds, right now!"

34
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,201
I don't even know what that means.
"Heads in beds!" That's my shit.

35
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:20,307
My son, I just yell at my son,
because he's nine months, he's a man now.

36
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,142
So I yell at him just because.

37
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:25,345
I get mad, "Hold your head still, boy!"

38
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:28,682
All day.

39
00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:35,355
That shit is so damn embarrassing.
That shit piss me off, man.

40
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:39,359
You know how stupid that make you look
when company come over? Your baby just...

41
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:41,995
"What's wrong with your baby?"

42
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:45,098
"I don't know. Put him on his stomach."
He still be trying.

43
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,469
It's my damn kid, though.

44
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:53,640
I didn't know you can get mad at kids
to the point where you want to fight.

45
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:57,244
You're going to want to fight a kid, man.
Kids are assholes.

46
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,146
Like, my daughter is an asshole.

47
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:01,415
She is. We argue.

48
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:03,550
Me and my daughter argue.
She can't even talk.

49
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,386
She knows a couple words,
can put a couple sentences together.

50
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:09,056
Every time I tell her something,
she got something to say.

51
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,892
It don't matter what I say,
she gotta give me something back.

52
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:14,861
It make me mad. We got into an argument
over juice the other day.

53
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,531
She came into the room,
she was like, "Daddy, juice."

54
00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:21,234
I said, "No, you had enough juice.
Go get some water." She looked at me.

55
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,202
She was like...

56
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:27,974
"...juice."

57
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:31,978
And I looked at her, I was like, "Who
the fuck do you think you're talking to?

58
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,948
Sit your little ass down
and get the goddamn--"

59
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,316
I was so mad.

60
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,753
I was mad because I knew she knew
what she was trying to say.

61
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,722
She just didn't know how to say it.

62
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:45,959
Like, in her mind, she was like,
"You black midget bitch, get the...

63
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,527
get the juice.

64
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,196
Punk ass daddy."

65
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:52,065
I knew that's what she was saying.

66
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,434
I could tell by her hand movements. She...

67
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:59,473
She's like,
"You black midget bitch, get the--"

68
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,841
I was so mad.

69
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:03,410
I wanted to punch her right in the throat.

70
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,379
It's my damn baby, though.

71
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:08,749
It's my daughter, man.

72
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,051
I'm so protective of my kids, though.
I really am.

73
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:13,587
I don't even like taking
my kids out that much no more.

74
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:17,557
I get into arguments with the other kids.
I think kids play too rough.

75
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:19,993
I do. Me and this boy got into it
at Chuck E. Cheese.

76
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:22,229
It wasn't a fight, it was an altercation.

77
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:25,398
We got into a little altercation,
because my baby was in the balls,

78
00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:27,601
he was throwing the balls
at my daughter's head.

79
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:30,270
Throwing the balls,
hitting my daughter right in the head.

80
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,174
My daughter's so damn stupid,
she thought it was a game. She playing.

81
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,980
She's like, "Daddy, look!"

82
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,817
I'm getting mad, like,
"Throw a ball back!" I'm pissed off.

83
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,486
I look at my son,
he's just looking at the shit. He...

84
00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:52,492
I was mad at the way my family looked
as a unit. Like, we didn't...

85
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,862
We didn't look good
as a unit, man. Like...

86
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,565
My daughter,
she was taking balls to the face.

87
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,501
My son's shaking his head and slobbering.

88
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,838
I'm small.
We looked like a fucking circus act.

89
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:06,973
I was so pissed off.

90
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:09,776
I have never been so mad at my wife
in my life.

91
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:13,480
I was like, "Why would you dress us
in different colors? We look like clowns.

92
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,949
From now on, solid colors when we go out.

93
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,118
We look like a team. Solid colors."

94
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,321
My damn kids, though, man.

95
00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:26,827
You gotta accept what you have.
Accept the life that you chose.

96
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,863
I don't mind the pressure that comes
with kids. I could take that.

97
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:33,834
I don't like the pressure women put
on men. Women put way too much pressure.

98
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,369
You all don't realize
how much pressure you put on men.

99
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:39,506
Is that your lady right there?
How long you all been together?

100
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,575
You know what I mean
when I say pressure.

101
00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:45,879
She expects a lot from you. She wants you
to provide for her and protect her.

102
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,114
Whether you realize it or not, she do.

103
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:51,084
Like, right now, if a fire break out.
Right now, a big ass fire,

104
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,152
go up in flames,

105
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,321
first thing she's gonna do
is look at you.

106
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,295
And you gotta come up
with a plan in her mind.

107
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,264
"Get on my back.
I'm going to bust us out."

108
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,600
She want to hear
something stupid like that.

109
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,502
"Bitch, you better stop, drop, and roll
and find that exit.

110
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:11,304
I'm scared too."

111
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,974
But that's what women want.
Women like that security.

112
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,141
I'm a great provider.

113
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,678
I got money, I can pay for stuff,
I don't mind that. I'm not a protector.

114
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:21,915
That's where I'm, like, not that guy.
You know what I mean?

115
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:25,452
Women, you want every guy to fight
for you. That's not me. I'm not a fighter.

116
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,888
I won't say that I am,
I will never pretend to be.

117
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:31,524
That's not who I am. Prime example,
let's say me and you go to the movies.

118
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:33,460
We're at the movies, having a good time.

119
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:36,963
Out of nowhere, some guy come up,
smack you in the face real hard.

120
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,132
If you're with me,
then you just got smacked.

121
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,467
That's something that just--

122
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:44,337
I'm being honest, all right?
I'm not gonna do nothing about it.

123
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,874
Now, we can talk about it
when we get in the car. Let's...

124
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:50,443
Let's figure out why it happened

125
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:53,847
and see what we can do
to prevent it from happening again.

126
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:57,751
But as far as me going and doing something
about it, I'm not going to fucking do it.

127
00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:02,155
Because if he didn't care about your face,
I know he doesn't give a fuck about mine.

128
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,156
That's common sense.

129
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,258
Two black eyes ain't gonna get us home.

130
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,594
Somebody got to drive.
That's what I'm good at.

131
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,529
I'm a witness. I saw everything.

132
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,499
"When he hit you,
I got behind the vending machines,

133
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,834
because I didn't want him to know
we were together.

134
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,870
It's none of his business who I'm with.

135
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,905
I can't believe he kicked you
when you fell.

136
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,741
That's where I got upset,
because you gave up!

137
00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:23,643
You didn't want to fight no more.

138
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:27,113
Why would he put his boot to your face?
That's just disgusting to me.

139
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:28,882
He should be shot."

140
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,854
See, too many people get knocked out.
That's why I don't like to fight, man.

141
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,958
You ever see somebody
get knocked out, man? Like, knocked out.

142
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,693
I'm talking about in person.

143
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:42,228
Like, you witnessed somebody
get knocked the hell out.

144
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,898
It changes your opinion.
You see somebody get knocked out,

145
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,433
you don't want to fight no more.

146
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:49,269
"Damn, that looked like it hurt.
I don't know if I want to--"

147
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:52,172
I saw somebody get knocked out.
Me and my boy, we're at a club.

148
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:53,907
We having a good time, partying.

149
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,475
Get money.

150
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,912
Get money. We having a good time, right?

151
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:02,215
Out of nowhere-- That's how we party,
because we're both small.

152
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,685
I don't hang with tall people.
It was just us. Right?

153
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:09,556
So out of nowhere, he get into an argument
with this guy at the bar.

154
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:12,425
The guy at the bar got mad,
punched my boy in the face.

155
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,861
As soon as he hit him,
my friend fell asleep.

156
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,799
Now, when he woke up, he got mad at me.

157
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,968
He was like,
"Kev, how come you ain't get him?"

158
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,404
I was like, "You know what,
that's some selfish shit,

159
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,973
because I just saw what he was capable of.

160
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,109
You know what I mean?
He made you go to sleep.

161
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,944
I'm not tired. I'm wide awake.

162
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,715
I took a nap. Why would I walk
right into that ass-whooping?

163
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:39,486
That's stupid. If he hit me, and I go
to sleep, who's going to wake who up?

164
00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:41,154
You understand what I'm saying?"

165
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:44,491
I don't want that problem. Ain't nobody
trying to fall asleep at a bar.

166
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,626
That's how you get raped.
Everybody knows--

167
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,528
The percentages of rapes happen

168
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,797
when people fall asleep at a bar,
I promise you.

169
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,700
He was telling me
all the stuff that I know.

170
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,102
Saw my uncle get knocked out.

171
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,204
Might have been
the funniest shit I've seen.

172
00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:59,739
We was at a family reunion.

173
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,708
First of all,
a family reunion is a picnic.

174
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,177
It's kids and shit around,
it's a time for fun.

175
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:08,048
My uncle got drunk, got into an argument
with this guy over picnic space.

176
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,417
"Hey, man, you and your kids,
y'all not no Harts.

177
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,485
Y'all need to get out
of this picnic space."

178
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,586
The guy was like,

179
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:16,556
"I don't mind moving, but don't
curse at me in front of my kids."

180
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:18,525
My uncle was drunk,
he went to curse again.

181
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,326
Before he got it out, the guy hit him.

182
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,961
Ever see somebody get hit so hard,

183
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,431
they try to grab everything
on the way down?

184
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:28,334
It happened so fast, he was like...

185
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,071
My uncle was like,
"Let me tell you something, fuck y--"

186
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:36,776
The shit that made me laugh is
he was looking at him the whole way down.

187
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:43,516
I was, "Just go down. Fall!
Shit, man! You're messing up the picnic."

188
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,951
Change came out of his pocket.

189
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,587
I ain't never seen somebody
get hit so hard

190
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:51,191
that change come out of their jeans
when they're standing up.

191
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:54,027
You know how hard a nigga gotta hit you

192
00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:56,996
for loose change to come out
of your jeans?

193
00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,867
As soon as he got hit,
35 cents flew out his pocket.

194
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,002
I said, "Goddamn.

195
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,706
You just knocked 35 cents
out of Uncle Richard Jr.'s pocket."

196
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,309
I ain't never seen nobody
get hit that hard.

197
00:10:09,976 --> 00:10:12,579
These are things that I've seen.
I've witnessed this, man.

198
00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:14,614
You gotta know who you are
as an individual.

199
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,850
If you're not a fighter, understand that.

200
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,285
I know I'm not,
that's why I carry a whistle.

201
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,955
I'll blow the shit out of a whistle
in somebody's face.

202
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,156
Fuck with me if you want.

203
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:26,693
You're going to win the fight, but you
ain't gonna hear shit tomorrow, bitch.

204
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,362
Put that whistle in your face, bitch.

205
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,598
It's kinda hard to fight a whistle.

206
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,568
You gotta know what you're good at,
what you're not good at.

207
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,238
I'm a good arguer. I can argue.

208
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:41,841
You also gotta know
how to get out of things when you argue.

209
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:45,111
You ever argue with somebody,
then they get up, then your mind...

210
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:48,648
You feel a little different about
the fight? You gotta know how to get out.

211
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,850
You don't have to fight
when you don't think you're gonna win.

212
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,486
There's certain things you can do
to let a person know you're not ready.

213
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,355
I was arguing with this guy at a club.

214
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:57,991
He's sitting down, I said,
"Say something else to me,

215
00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:01,027
I promise you I'mma smack the shit
out of you. I mean that.

216
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,696
Say something else,
I'mma smack the shit out of you."

217
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,665
That's my thug look right there.

218
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:09,936
Thugs get to clapping their hands
and stand up. "Say something else...

219
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,472
or, on everything I love,

220
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,908
I'mma smack the shit out of you,
B, for real."

221
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,410
And he got up, he was bigger
than I thought he was.

222
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,712
I was like,
"Come on, give me a hug, bring it in.

223
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:23,783
I'm serious, this is stupid. Come on.
There's no reason for us to act--

224
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,319
You can't fight nobody doing this.
Come on, man."

225
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:30,490
There's ways of letting people know
you don't want to fight.

226
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,192
I got one fight move.

227
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,961
If you get past that,
I don't know what to do. I'm confused.

228
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,230
I'mma let you all see
some classified shit.

229
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:40,400
This is classified, okay?
This is my fight move.

230
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:42,302
"What? Who are you talking to?"

231
00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:45,138
Don't make me laugh.
This is serious, all right.

232
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:49,409
This is serious right now.
I'm about to show you all my fight move.

233
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,244
"What? Who you talking to?

234
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,947
Do you know-- Don't talk like you know me!

235
00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:55,748
Bitch, say something then. Say it!"

236
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,183
That's it.

237
00:11:59,018 --> 00:11:59,886
That's it.

238
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,554
It's real quick.

239
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:04,023
That's classified, all right?

240
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,926
I'll show you one more time.
You get one more peek at it.

241
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:10,597
I'm giving you one more chance
to see it, all right? It's real quick.

242
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,865
"What? Who you talking to?

243
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:16,436
Dude, you don't even know me.
You don't even know-- Say something.

244
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:17,704
Say something!"

245
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:18,605
That's it.

246
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:22,475
That's all it is. It's a quick shuffle
of the feet.That's all I got.

247
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:26,746
If you get past that, I'm done.
I don't know what to do.

248
00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:29,816
It confuses people. You can think
I'm about to kick you, punch you,

249
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:31,951
happy feet, you don't know what it is.

250
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:35,188
A lot of different combinations
come across with that move.

251
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:40,093
You gotta know what you're good at
as an individual, man.

252
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:43,162
I don't know, I'm good at seeing things,
at noticing things.

253
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:45,698
I remember one of my friends
got jumped one time.

254
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,267
And I was with him. I ran.

255
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,003
The reason why I ran
is because I saw it coming.

256
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:54,340
Like, you know, when you see something
coming, you start to break it down?

257
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,309
"Wait. Oh, shit. Wait. Oh, no.

258
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,711
This don't look good.
They look angry. Oh."

259
00:12:58,778 --> 00:12:59,679
I took off.

260
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:02,548
I'mma tell you what's bad
about running on somebody.

261
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:06,152
It's real bad when you run on somebody
and they survive the jumping.

262
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:09,722
Like, because when you see him,
you don't know what to say.

263
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,558
Like, I didn't know what to say to him.
I was like, "Hey...

264
00:13:13,092 --> 00:13:14,927
Look who's alive! Hey, man!

265
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:19,365
How'd you make it out of there?
Up top. No, nothing? All right.

266
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,068
That's...

267
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,037
No? Up top, nothing? All right."

268
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:28,308
I saw somebody get kicked
in the face before.

269
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:31,778
That shit was funny. If you get kicked
in the face, you deserved it,

270
00:13:31,844 --> 00:13:34,914
because that means you watched
the foot coming to your face.

271
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:38,518
Got to be an asshole to fight somebody
using their feet.

272
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:41,054
The person I saw get kicked in the face,
I laughed

273
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,157
because when he got kicked,
he looked at us for confirmation.

274
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,226
Like he needed approval
on what just happened.

275
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,329
He's like, "Yo, shit, yo!"

276
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:52,665
"It was him, yeah.

277
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,868
It was... You better look at his other
foot before he kick you again.

278
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,537
He's good. That guy's good.

279
00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,572
He knows what he's doing."

280
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:01,708
Would you fight somebody using their feet?

281
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:05,545
If we're gonna fight, I'mma tell you,
"Put your hands up. Let's fight."

282
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:08,047
Now if I go to fight you,
and you start stretching...

283
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,553
that means you know some shit
I don't know. I'm not gonna fight you.

284
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:18,358
I had an incident where a guy started--
Well, he tried. He didn't use it on me.

285
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,126
He was gonna attempt to use his feet.

286
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,563
I was with my mom. Me and my mom,
we're in the parking lot of Best Buy,

287
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,399
I'm looking for a parking space.
All the spaces was tooken.

288
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,435
One truck was about to back
into his spot but was taking too long.

289
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:32,739
So I got mad, I stole it.
I whipped into the spot real fast.

290
00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:34,507
You know when you're wrong,

291
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:37,410
because you put your head down
and roll your windows up. You...

292
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,679
You don't want to look at him.
You start humming.

293
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,216
The guy got out of the truck.

294
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:46,018
He was like, "I know you saw me
about to back into that spot.

295
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:48,621
Back out or we're gonna have a problem."
A Chinese guy.

296
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,590
I'm with my mom,
I ain't gonna be no bitch.

297
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,826
I was like, "We got a problem."
This is how I know I didn't want this.

298
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:57,797
This is exactly what he did to me.
He was like, "We got a problem? Do we?"

299
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,474
"Get in the car. Get in the car, Mom."

300
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:12,111
Anybody that smack their knees twice
is an assassin.

301
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:15,314
He about to kick
your goddamn temple off your face.

302
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:18,117
That's what he about to do.
My mom's all, "Why we--"

303
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:19,652
"Get in the goddamn car!

304
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,854
Before he kill us, Mom."

305
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,593
I know who to fight,
who not to fight, man.

306
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,429
I would love to be a thug.

307
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:32,031
I swear, I wish I could be a thug.
I don't have it in me.

308
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:35,368
I don't have those thug qualities in me.
I was talking to this thug dude.

309
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,303
I was in DC not too long ago, right?

310
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,239
I talked to this guy,
we might have talked for about 15 minutes.

311
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,676
I swear to you I don't know
what we were talking about.

312
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,446
But he was so passionate
about the stuff he was saying,

313
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,414
that's the only reason I stayed to listen.

314
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,384
Here's what he said. It's not a joke.
This is how he was talking.

315
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:55,121
He was like, "Yah-nah I mean? I'm talking
to this dude, he's talking about...

316
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:56,956
Right?

317
00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,826
Right, and I'm like... right?

318
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:03,062
Yah-nah I mean? Nig come up to me
I'm... Know what I'm saying?

319
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,965
Here, get dat, know what I'm saying,
flip dat, press dat...

320
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:07,834
Everybody get money!

321
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:11,604
Bird got who! You know what I'm saying?
I'm talking, he said...

322
00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:15,908
Yah-nah I mean? Talking to me--

323
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,578
Right?

324
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,082
Know what I'm saying? He came back.

325
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,319
I looked up, he was dead."

326
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:28,588
I said, "What, wait a second.

327
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:33,059
Back up. Back, who--
Well, who killed him? Who? What?"

328
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:37,063
I was so confused, I thought
I was a witness. I said, "Did I see this?

329
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:41,300
Was I there? I don't want to be
a part of it, is what I'm saying."

330
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,170
I've never been so afraid in my life, man.

331
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,841
I just don't do good with thug stuff.

332
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:50,409
Thug activity.

333
00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:54,647
I had one thug dude tell me he was gonna
pop the trunk on me one time.

334
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,583
He's like, "Say something,
I'mma pop the trunk on your ass."

335
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,253
Everybody ran.
I was like, "Well, where'd you park?"

336
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,756
He looks at me like I was crazy.
"Get out of there!"

337
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,993
I just wanted to know how far it was.
I might not have to run.

338
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,228
We could catch the train
and still get home.

339
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,468
Wish I could be a rapper or some shit.

340
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,937
I really do. You know
why I can't be a rapper, though?

341
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,606
Because my voice ain't deep enough.
You need a deep voice.

342
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:23,409
That's the only way
people gonna listen to you regularly.

343
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:26,012
Nobody would buy my album
because my voice is too small.

344
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,481
Yeah, bitch, I'm a killer.

345
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,049
I shoot you in your face.

346
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,419
Everybody gonna die.

347
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:35,621
Every...

348
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,224
body gonna die tonight.

349
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:40,793
Did he just say...

350
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,765
I'm not buying that shit if he said...
Ain't no way.

351
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,369
Certain shit just keeps you
from being tough.

352
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:53,272
Wanna know what's keeping me
from being tough? Look at this. This is…

353
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:55,708
holding me back.
Look at this shit here.

354
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:58,277
Look at this shit. Look at this shit here.

355
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:02,181
This is really fucking me up, man.
Ain't nothing tough about this.

356
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,449
Don't matter what you say,

357
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:06,652
nobody gonna take you serious
if you swing your feet. It don't matter.

358
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,822
I will kill everybody
in this bitch tonight!

359
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,425
I ain't fucking playing with y'all.
Think this is a game?

360
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:15,962
No, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the way
people treat me around here.

361
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,130
Would you talk to a guy
who swung his feet?

362
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:21,133
If you at a club and I tried.
"Let me holler at you for a second.

363
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,669
You, girl, you know damn well
who I'm talking to. Wait.

364
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:26,706
Let me climb down and get
my feet together. Wait a minute now."

365
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:32,845
Rappers make me laugh, though.
I swear rappers are funny, man.

366
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:36,315
You ever see rappers freestyle?
Like when they be battling each other?

367
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:40,086
Ever notice the more angry a rapper gets,
the higher his hands get? Ever notice?

368
00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:41,754
Like... like this.

369
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,356
They start off so calm.

370
00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:45,658
Like... This is rappers
when they freestyle.

371
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:48,394
This is the dude when he be listening
to the other guy.

372
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:01,674
"You ready?"
"No, I got him. I got him, B."

373
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,378
Wait, this is really how they be, look.

374
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:08,914
"Real talk."

375
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,417
I need a straight look though.

376
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:14,954
Hey.

377
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,723
This is how the rapper--

378
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:20,292
I'm really trying
to be a rapper right now.

379
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,662
Like, this... This...

380
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,664
This is the real angry rapper.

381
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:25,831
"Real talk.

382
00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:27,533
I kill niggas.

383
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,468
I slay niggas that don't love it.

384
00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:31,904
Nigga, you want to beat me to get it,
I get it back!"

385
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,239
I'm like, "Oh, shit."

386
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:41,681
The other dude, he's so confused.
"Shit, this nigga's crazy!"

387
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,683
He be trying to follow his hands.

388
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:46,318
"He's crazy. He's about to kill me.
He's gonna cap me."

389
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,422
I can't be that guy, man.

390
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:51,090
I want to be.

391
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:54,794
There's so much stuff that I wanted to do
that I'm realizing now that I can't do.

392
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,630
I wanted to be an RandB singer
for a long time.

393
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,865
But I can't sing,
but I can dance my ass off.

394
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,901
If anybody here is trying to be a singer,

395
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,503
I'm about to tell you what you need
to know to make it.

396
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:07,406
This is more classified stuff.
All you need to know how to do

397
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,076
is open your hands, close them, and point.
That's it.

398
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:12,645
It sounds crazy. You're like, "What?"

399
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,481
I'm telling you, it look good.
Watch this. I'm not gonna sing.

400
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,551
But tell me this don't look like I'm about
to say some stuff. Look.

401
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,732
"Oh, shit!

402
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,367
He's gonna sing something!

403
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,337
When he's gonna sing, girl?"

404
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,476
That or the slide out.
You know what the slide is?

405
00:20:43,542 --> 00:20:47,279
Ever see an old group be in the thing?
Like The Temptations or somebody,

406
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:49,915
you never know who the lead singer is,
so they slide out.

407
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,718
They be like this.
They slide out and start singing on you.

408
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,488
That's the best shit ever,
because they be talking shit.

409
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:57,790
"These bitches don't know
what's about to hit 'em.

410
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,391
I'm about to slide out on her."

411
00:21:01,527 --> 00:21:03,696
"He's good. This guy is good, he's good."

412
00:21:05,331 --> 00:21:06,866
I was working out and everything.

413
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,735
Serious about my singing career.
Had to stop working out.

414
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:13,038
Some naked guy tried to talk to me
in the gym. I ain't like that.

415
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:16,208
He was ass-naked, trying to have
a conversation with me at my locker.

416
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,577
I'm getting my stuff out of my locker.

417
00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:20,813
He came up to me,
"How long you been a member?"

418
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,649
I was like, "Why is your dick hard?
What kind of gym is this?

419
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,651
What's about to happen, man?"

420
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,554
I got a little butt.
That's the first thing I think about.

421
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,857
I didn't have my whistle. If I had
my whistle, I would have felt better.

422
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:34,593
I didn't want to ask for a hug,
because he was hard.

423
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,796
I don't want that poking me
in the belly button.

424
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:39,064
That's kind of like intercourse
a little bit.

425
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,432
I didn't want to feel that.

426
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:44,570
I might have been gay.
You put it in my belly button, I'm gay.

427
00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:47,406
"You gay?"
"Yeah, he put it in my belly button.

428
00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:48,440
That's gotta be gay."

429
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:54,046
I'm serious. I'm telling you all
the stuff I know.

430
00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:57,716
These are things I've been through.
I really was serious about working out.

431
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,752
Want to know
why I stopped going to the gym?

432
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,955
I saw one of them real strong guys.
You ever see them real big dudes?

433
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:06,992
Real huge, you know what I'm saying?
No neck. Just be in the gym working out?

434
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:08,794
I saw him one day and I just got mad.

435
00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:13,399
I was like, "Dude, why are you still here?
That's it, you won! You got 'em all.

436
00:22:13,465 --> 00:22:15,000
Like, why are you still here?"

437
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:17,570
Like, y'all don't understand
how mad that makes me

438
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:19,905
when you're that big for no reason.

439
00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:22,908
If you're gonna get that big,
there's gotta be a reason.

440
00:22:22,975 --> 00:22:24,977
When I ask you why you're working out,

441
00:22:25,044 --> 00:22:27,146
you should tell me,
"Training for the Olympics.

442
00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:29,481
I'm about to enter
the strongman competition."

443
00:22:29,548 --> 00:22:31,684
Something! There's got to be
a fucking reason!

444
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:34,453
But when you're that big,
and you work for T-Mobile,

445
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,188
and you answer the phones...

446
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:39,959
you strong as shit,
and you can't even handle the headset.

447
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:42,394
"Hello?

448
00:22:42,728 --> 00:22:43,562
Hello?

449
00:22:44,663 --> 00:22:46,498
Thank you for calling-- Hello?"

450
00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:54,506
You start moving shit around the office
because you're so--

451
00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,444
"Thank you for calling T-Mobile."

452
00:22:59,345 --> 00:23:02,681
Sit your strong,
unproductive ass down, man.

453
00:23:03,349 --> 00:23:05,084
Strong as shit with a headset.

454
00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:07,920
They done went through
37 headsets this month...

455
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,990
because your hand's
too fucking strong for...

456
00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:12,925
"Boss, another one.

457
00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:19,865
That's five today, Boss.
Take 'em out of my check."

458
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:24,570
I don't know
how to use the equipment, either.

459
00:23:24,637 --> 00:23:26,705
I don't know how to use
none of the equipment.

460
00:23:26,772 --> 00:23:28,507
The equipment getting too serious now.

461
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:32,211
There was a time it was regular, you knew
what it was, it said the instruction.

462
00:23:32,278 --> 00:23:34,713
Now they got
all these universal machines and stuff.

463
00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:36,849
I was trying to work my legs
the other day,

464
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:39,785
and you know the leg machine
that goes like this?

465
00:23:39,852 --> 00:23:42,655
Like, you sit on it--
You know what I'm talking about?

466
00:23:42,721 --> 00:23:45,591
I get there, and it was reclined down.

467
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,359
Like, it was all flat on one level.

468
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:51,063
So I thought it was arms. So I said,
"Okay, I'mma work my arms."

469
00:23:57,870 --> 00:24:02,207
My face was burning and everything.
I'm doing something right, you know?

470
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:03,142
So I got up.

471
00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:06,512
When I got up, some guy came
and sat down right where my face was.

472
00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:09,415
He was like, "Hey, man--"

473
00:24:09,481 --> 00:24:12,284
I tried to tell him, "Hey,
you doing that wrong. That's arms."

474
00:24:12,351 --> 00:24:14,486
He was like, "No, this is legs."

475
00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:16,522
I was like,
"That's why my face was burning?

476
00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:19,124
Because I've been smelling
people's balls all goddamn--"

477
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,493
I was so pissed off,
because I did three sets.

478
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,997
He watched me do three sets. He just...

479
00:24:25,064 --> 00:24:27,366
He just stood by the machine,
"There you go.

480
00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:31,103
That's it, pull it up."

481
00:24:32,371 --> 00:24:34,840
Smack you on the ass and everything.
"Come on, now!

482
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,209
It's your last set, pull it!"

483
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:39,712
I didn't like that.

484
00:24:41,513 --> 00:24:44,616
I don't like those guys that try
to make a scene at the gym either.

485
00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:48,287
Ever see guys trying to get everybody
to look at 'em before they lift something?

486
00:24:48,354 --> 00:24:50,889
I'm on the treadmill.
I'm walking on the treadmill.

487
00:24:50,956 --> 00:24:53,392
I can't run. I don't know what it is,
so I just walk.

488
00:24:53,459 --> 00:24:56,128
I be on my Blackberry.
I just people watch, right?

489
00:24:56,195 --> 00:24:57,229
But it's this guy,

490
00:24:57,296 --> 00:25:00,866
he was either going to jail,
or just got out. It was one or the other.

491
00:25:00,933 --> 00:25:04,370
He was one of those "Bigs."
Like, the "Little Big." He...

492
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:07,740
This is the weight bench right here,
right? This is the weight bench.

493
00:25:07,806 --> 00:25:11,243
He had, like, three 45 plates right here,
he had three 45 plates here.

494
00:25:11,310 --> 00:25:15,114
He didn't want to lift it until he knew
everybody in the gym was looking at him.

495
00:25:15,381 --> 00:25:17,249
This is exactly what he was doing.

496
00:26:03,529 --> 00:26:04,396
I was just looking.

497
00:26:04,463 --> 00:26:06,698
"He's about to do this shit.
He's gonna do it."

498
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:09,435
He never did it.
He just left, walked out the gym.

499
00:26:11,370 --> 00:26:12,204
Who does that?

500
00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:15,040
Who gets somebody that excited
and then don't finish it?

501
00:26:15,741 --> 00:26:18,777
I was pissed off. Why would you play
with me, then not lift it?

502
00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:24,650
I was really trying to get big, man.
I was serious about the gym.

503
00:26:24,983 --> 00:26:28,654
Something else I thought a gym's gonna do
for me, I thought it'd help me mentally.

504
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,857
Had a lot of mental stuff I was trying
to get over. Phobias and stuff.

505
00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:34,626
You get a little bigger,
you feel better about yourself.

506
00:26:34,693 --> 00:26:37,496
You don't worry about stuff
you're afraid of. Got any phobias?

507
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:41,033
None you can think of?
You ain't scared of nothing?

508
00:26:42,367 --> 00:26:44,736
You ever wake up
and an alligator in your room?

509
00:26:45,737 --> 00:26:50,209
Bet you he's scared of that. You wake up
ass-naked, dick swinging. "Hey! Baby!

510
00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:52,711
Get a blanket!"

511
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,215
That's a bad feeling right there.

512
00:26:56,281 --> 00:27:00,152
I'm afraid of a lot of stuff. Everything
I'm afraid of, it's for a reason.

513
00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:03,522
I don't want you thinking it's funny,
I just say I'm afraid of some stuff.

514
00:27:03,589 --> 00:27:07,126
Something's happened to me.That's why
I'm afraid of the stuff I'm afraid of.

515
00:27:07,192 --> 00:27:10,162
I don't like gorillas.
I'm real scared of gorillas.

516
00:27:10,996 --> 00:27:13,432
I am, because it was Daddy's Day.
I was at the zoo.

517
00:27:13,499 --> 00:27:15,834
It was me and my babies.
You know, I'm by myself.

518
00:27:15,901 --> 00:27:19,138
I got my son in my arm, my daughter
here, we're looking at the gorillas.

519
00:27:19,204 --> 00:27:22,841
While I'm looking, I'm trying to explain
to my daughter what a gorilla is.

520
00:27:22,908 --> 00:27:26,411
While I'm talking,
the gorilla smacked the glass, real hard.

521
00:27:27,079 --> 00:27:29,248
I'm talking about hard as shit.

522
00:27:30,282 --> 00:27:32,651
I'm talking to my baby.
"That's a silverback gorilla.

523
00:27:32,718 --> 00:27:35,954
They call him a silverback because he got
a silver thing down his back."

524
00:27:36,021 --> 00:27:38,790
While I'm talking, the gorilla
smacked the shit out the glass.

525
00:27:38,857 --> 00:27:41,994
In my mind, he just got loose.
I was like, "He's out."

526
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:47,332
I never got out the zoo
so fast in my life.

527
00:27:47,399 --> 00:27:50,903
I mean, like, dude,
I was haul-assing out the zoo.

528
00:27:50,969 --> 00:27:54,640
You running, you think somebody's about
to catch you and you feel it on your neck?

529
00:27:54,706 --> 00:27:56,441
I was running, but I felt something.

530
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:58,977
I was like, "Oh, shit.
The gorilla's about to grab me."

531
00:27:59,044 --> 00:28:02,581
It felt like somebody was doing this.
"I gotta do something, get him off me."

532
00:28:02,648 --> 00:28:05,384
I didn't know what to do. I panicked.
I dropped my baby. I was...

533
00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:08,654
Made it look like an accident.

534
00:28:10,122 --> 00:28:12,524
They were like, "You dropped your baby!"
I was...

535
00:28:13,559 --> 00:28:15,994
I had to save myself. I didn't like that.

536
00:28:16,461 --> 00:28:17,529
I'm serious.

537
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,267
Very, very serious.

538
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:26,538
That's where I'm at though, man.
I'm just scared of a lot of shit.

539
00:28:26,939 --> 00:28:29,308
I don't like gnats. I'm scared of gnats.

540
00:28:30,842 --> 00:28:35,013
You know, little ass gnats. Because me
and my mom, we was in the park, right?

541
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,616
I was nine years old.
I walked into a bushel of them.

542
00:28:37,683 --> 00:28:41,019
You ever see gnats when they fly together?
Like 1,000 gnats in a circle.

543
00:28:41,086 --> 00:28:43,722
I walked into that shit and I panicked.
I didn't know...

544
00:28:44,623 --> 00:28:46,625
I didn't know what to do. I stayed there.

545
00:28:53,799 --> 00:28:57,703
All my mom had to do was grab my hand
and pull me out of the gnats.

546
00:28:57,970 --> 00:28:59,338
My mom's so damn dramatic.

547
00:28:59,404 --> 00:29:01,607
My mom made it worse
because she started yelling.

548
00:29:01,673 --> 00:29:03,976
"Somebody get my baby out of the gnats!

549
00:29:04,943 --> 00:29:06,445
The gnats eating my baby!

550
00:29:07,212 --> 00:29:08,580
Jesus Christ!"

551
00:29:09,615 --> 00:29:11,817
When I heard "Jesus,"
I thought it was real.

552
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:15,854
Thought they was eating me.

553
00:29:17,155 --> 00:29:19,791
I punched this girl in the face
because of a gnat one time.

554
00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:22,894
Me and this girl was talking.

555
00:29:22,961 --> 00:29:24,963
We was having
a real intimate conversation.

556
00:29:25,030 --> 00:29:27,266
While we was talking, a gnat flew by.

557
00:29:28,467 --> 00:29:32,170
I was trying to get rid of the gnat,
but she caught the worst of it.

558
00:29:32,237 --> 00:29:34,740
We were talking.
I'm like, "You should come over after."

559
00:29:34,806 --> 00:29:36,174
She was like, "I don't mind."

560
00:29:36,241 --> 00:29:39,111
I said, "I'm parked right here.
Pull around, you can follow me."

561
00:29:39,177 --> 00:29:40,579
"Matter of fact,
I'll tell you what--"

562
00:29:44,082 --> 00:29:45,450
I looked up, she was...

563
00:29:47,352 --> 00:29:49,354
"You didn't see that big-ass gnat?

564
00:29:49,988 --> 00:29:53,225
Gnat tried to lay an egg on my face.
It was a pregnant gnat.

565
00:29:53,292 --> 00:29:55,394
I know a pregnant gnat when I see one.

566
00:29:55,761 --> 00:29:57,596
A pregnant gnat tried to kill me."

567
00:29:58,697 --> 00:30:00,799
Just telling you all what I know.
I've seen it.

568
00:30:00,866 --> 00:30:02,601
This all happened to me, man.

569
00:30:03,068 --> 00:30:05,504
I don't like dolphins.
I'm scared of dolphins.

570
00:30:06,672 --> 00:30:08,607
I am. Me and my wife was in Maui.

571
00:30:08,674 --> 00:30:10,876
She was like,
"We should swim with the dolphins."

572
00:30:10,942 --> 00:30:13,211
I said, "No, I told you
how I feel about dolphins."

573
00:30:13,278 --> 00:30:15,547
She's like, "Stop being a bitch.
Let's just do it."

574
00:30:16,248 --> 00:30:18,850
I was like, "Don't call me no bitch."
She's like, "Bitch."

575
00:30:18,917 --> 00:30:19,751
"Man, whatever."

576
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:22,921
You know when you don't got a comeback,
you just gotta, "You stupid."

577
00:30:22,988 --> 00:30:25,023
All I had.
I didn't have nothing else to say.

578
00:30:25,090 --> 00:30:28,627
So we go, we get there.
They got the dolphins in this tank.

579
00:30:28,694 --> 00:30:30,696
There's eight dolphins in this tank.

580
00:30:30,762 --> 00:30:33,799
I see this old lady on the back
of a dolphin. I see this little boy.

581
00:30:33,865 --> 00:30:35,767
I'm like, "I might have been overreacting.

582
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,937
Get the camera, take some pictures of me
on the back of the dolphin."

583
00:30:39,004 --> 00:30:42,207
I was hyped. I get in the water,
I'm on the back of a dolphin.

584
00:30:42,274 --> 00:30:45,143
The instructor was like, "As soon
as you grab the dolphin's fin,

585
00:30:45,210 --> 00:30:46,211
he'll take you around.

586
00:30:46,278 --> 00:30:49,715
Whenever you ready, grab his fin."
I was like, "All right, cool, I'm ready."

587
00:30:49,781 --> 00:30:51,516
As soon as I grabbed my dolphin's fin,

588
00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:55,287
my dolphin went straight to the bottom
of the tank. He just went down.

589
00:30:55,354 --> 00:30:58,690
So because I was scared,
I didn't let go. I held on.

590
00:30:58,757 --> 00:31:00,325
Like, you know when you're scared,

591
00:31:00,392 --> 00:31:03,528
how you start to mentally create shit
in your own mind?

592
00:31:03,595 --> 00:31:07,299
I was like, "Okay, it's obvious
that I got a racist dolphin. He don't...

593
00:31:07,366 --> 00:31:08,600
He don't like black people.

594
00:31:08,667 --> 00:31:11,670
He's done cut a deal with a shark,
bring him a black piece of meat.

595
00:31:11,737 --> 00:31:13,605
Something bad's about to happen."

596
00:31:13,672 --> 00:31:16,975
So I let go, I get to the top.
When I let go, I'm so scared,

597
00:31:17,042 --> 00:31:19,544
I start snapping on the instructor
as soon as I see him.

598
00:31:19,611 --> 00:31:23,315
I was like, "Nobody saw
fucking dolphin number eight missing?

599
00:31:23,949 --> 00:31:26,818
Huh? You all didn't notice I was gone
for, like, 30 seconds?

600
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,154
He tried to kill me!"

601
00:31:29,654 --> 00:31:30,889
I was mad at him.

602
00:31:30,956 --> 00:31:34,793
I was so fucking scared, like,
"You all see the old lady, the little boy,

603
00:31:34,860 --> 00:31:37,662
but nobody saw
the black fucking swirl missing?

604
00:31:38,163 --> 00:31:41,299
Huh? Nobody noticed
that the black dot wasn't going around?

605
00:31:41,366 --> 00:31:42,634
You all didn't notice that?"

606
00:31:42,701 --> 00:31:45,303
He was like, "Calm down, man! Calm down.

607
00:31:45,370 --> 00:31:47,239
It's three feet. Just stand up."

608
00:31:47,305 --> 00:31:48,373
I was like, "What?

609
00:31:49,608 --> 00:31:50,542
What'd he say?"

610
00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:57,182
I didn't even realize that I was walking
and talking shit at the same time.

611
00:31:57,249 --> 00:32:00,952
Come to find out, I never even went
under water. What happened was,

612
00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:03,155
some water splashed in my face,

613
00:32:03,989 --> 00:32:04,956
and I panicked.

614
00:32:07,859 --> 00:32:10,028
I made it up. I made it all up.

615
00:32:11,897 --> 00:32:12,798
I was scared.

616
00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:15,167
I never lied that fast in my life.

617
00:32:16,034 --> 00:32:18,136
He was racist, though.
I know he was racist.

618
00:32:18,203 --> 00:32:20,272
How I know?
Because when I got out the water--

619
00:32:20,338 --> 00:32:22,841
You know how dolphins are like...
They be doing that...

620
00:32:22,908 --> 00:32:25,343
He looked at me. He was like...

621
00:32:25,410 --> 00:32:27,012
And I was like, "What?"

622
00:32:27,712 --> 00:32:30,115
Blew my whistle in his face.
I don't play that shit.

623
00:32:30,182 --> 00:32:32,384
He don't work there. I got him fired.

624
00:32:33,685 --> 00:32:34,786
I know people.

625
00:32:35,821 --> 00:32:39,124
What else don't I like? Ostriches.
I'm scared of ostriches.

626
00:32:39,191 --> 00:32:43,094
For people who don't know,
it's a big-ass bird, the same size as me.

627
00:32:43,161 --> 00:32:45,130
These birds are huge, okay?

628
00:32:45,197 --> 00:32:47,399
I'm in Nebraska.
I'm doing a show in Nebraska--

629
00:32:47,466 --> 00:32:50,068
I had to pee.
I'm on the side of the road, I'm peeing.

630
00:32:50,135 --> 00:32:53,038
I get done peeing, look to my left,
it's a big-ass ostrich

631
00:32:53,104 --> 00:32:54,539
looking at me while I'm peeing.

632
00:32:54,606 --> 00:32:56,842
He was standing on one leg like this.

633
00:32:56,908 --> 00:33:00,245
His body was facing this way,
but his head was like this.

634
00:33:02,447 --> 00:33:05,083
I didn't know what it was,
so I didn't say anything.

635
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:07,118
My friend got out of the car,
"What's that?"

636
00:33:07,185 --> 00:33:10,856
"I don't know. It's like a big-ass
man pigeon. I don't know...

637
00:33:10,922 --> 00:33:13,959
I don't know what it is."
He's like, "That ain't no man pigeon."

638
00:33:14,025 --> 00:33:17,195
I was like, "It is a man pigeon."
He took a pen, threw an ink pen at it.

639
00:33:17,262 --> 00:33:19,865
As soon as he threw the pen,
hit the ostrich in the chest.

640
00:33:19,931 --> 00:33:21,833
Soon as he hit it,
his other leg came down.

641
00:33:21,900 --> 00:33:23,668
His body was still facing this way,

642
00:33:24,035 --> 00:33:26,304
but his head was still like this.

643
00:33:26,805 --> 00:33:30,075
Now, when his leg came down,

644
00:33:30,141 --> 00:33:33,211
this is when the bitch started
to come out of me a little bit.

645
00:33:33,278 --> 00:33:35,814
I was like, "You know what, we should--

646
00:33:36,815 --> 00:33:42,654
We should probably go get back in the car
because we don't know what that means.

647
00:33:42,721 --> 00:33:45,423
You know what I mean?
That could be a sign.

648
00:33:45,490 --> 00:33:49,261
That could mean, you got ten seconds
to get the fuck out my face

649
00:33:49,327 --> 00:33:51,096
before I kill you.
I'mma eat your kids.

650
00:33:51,196 --> 00:33:54,032
We don't know what he's trying to say.

651
00:33:54,099 --> 00:33:56,868
Let's get back in the car
where we're safe. We get in the car.

652
00:33:56,935 --> 00:33:59,571
Soon as we get in the car,
I start laughing. I'm like...

653
00:34:00,272 --> 00:34:02,407
"You're a bitch."
He's like, "You're the bitch."

654
00:34:02,474 --> 00:34:05,944
I'm like, "No, you're a bitch."
I'm laughing, driving 30 miles per hour.

655
00:34:06,011 --> 00:34:07,712
I look out the passenger window.

656
00:34:07,779 --> 00:34:11,883
The ostrich was running 30 miles per hour
beside the car.

657
00:34:12,350 --> 00:34:14,586
His body was still facing this way,

658
00:34:14,653 --> 00:34:16,621
but his head was still like this.

659
00:34:17,155 --> 00:34:18,623
He was haul-assing...

660
00:34:20,191 --> 00:34:21,393
at 30 miles per hour.

661
00:34:21,459 --> 00:34:23,128
Now, when I'm scared...

662
00:34:23,194 --> 00:34:25,330
Like, if I'm real scared, I get emotional.

663
00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,866
I'll start to cry if I'm real scared.

664
00:34:27,933 --> 00:34:30,702
I got a little emotional,
I looked at my friend,

665
00:34:30,769 --> 00:34:33,638
I was like, "Why would you--

666
00:34:34,306 --> 00:34:36,308
Why would you throw a pen at it...

667
00:34:37,309 --> 00:34:39,778
if we--

668
00:34:39,844 --> 00:34:42,414
if we don't even know what it is?

669
00:34:44,115 --> 00:34:47,586
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm saying, like...

670
00:34:47,852 --> 00:34:50,889
I'm saying we don't even know what it is."

671
00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:57,495
He's like,
"Dude, stop bitching. Speed up!"

672
00:34:57,829 --> 00:35:00,999
I lie to you all not,
I started driving like 60 miles per hour.

673
00:35:01,066 --> 00:35:03,568
When I tell you all
that this ostrich was running

674
00:35:03,635 --> 00:35:06,471
60 miles per hour, I'm not bullshitting.

675
00:35:06,538 --> 00:35:08,273
His body was still facing this way,

676
00:35:08,340 --> 00:35:10,342
but his head was still like this.

677
00:35:10,408 --> 00:35:13,345
You couldn't even see his legs,
he was going so fucking fast.

678
00:35:13,411 --> 00:35:15,013
He was moving.

679
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,650
The reason why I was so scared is
because he never looked in front of him.

680
00:35:18,717 --> 00:35:21,186
Like, he didn't care about a wall...

681
00:35:22,153 --> 00:35:24,189
another ostrich.
He was just looking at us.

682
00:35:24,255 --> 00:35:26,491
But the way he was looking
was like he was saying,

683
00:35:26,558 --> 00:35:29,728
"When I catch you all,
I'm going to fuck both you all up."

684
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:30,695
Over a pen.

685
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,664
Over a goddamn pen.

686
00:35:33,398 --> 00:35:36,101
And I was like,
"Why don't you just apologize?"

687
00:35:36,167 --> 00:35:37,535
You know what I'm saying?

688
00:35:37,602 --> 00:35:39,604
Because I didn't throw the pen.
I was scared.

689
00:35:39,671 --> 00:35:41,840
That's the only time
I shitted on myself in my life.

690
00:35:42,574 --> 00:35:44,943
I've never shitted on myself,
but I let go that time.

691
00:35:45,010 --> 00:35:45,910
I let loose.

692
00:35:46,277 --> 00:35:50,382
I really did. Because I had to go.
No, I've shitted on myself before.

693
00:35:50,448 --> 00:35:53,351
This guy tried to stick me up.
This guy came at me with a gun.

694
00:35:53,418 --> 00:35:57,055
He was like, "Give me your money, bitch.
All of it." I was like, "Come on, man."

695
00:35:57,722 --> 00:36:00,992
He was like, "What's that smell?"
I was like, "I shitted."

696
00:36:01,059 --> 00:36:02,761
He's like, "Get your ass out of here.

697
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:06,064
Nobody want to smell that
while taking your money, man."

698
00:36:08,333 --> 00:36:10,235
I was honest. That's what it's about.

699
00:36:12,203 --> 00:36:15,173
That's probably why women don't
respect me, because I'm so honest.

700
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,842
I'm serious, my wife doesn't respect me.
I know she don't.

701
00:36:17,909 --> 00:36:20,979
You feel like your lady respect you, man?
You ever fight?

702
00:36:21,980 --> 00:36:22,814
No?

703
00:36:22,881 --> 00:36:25,684
Never, like, fistfight?
Like a good one? Never?

704
00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:28,953
You've never tried to hit him, ever?

705
00:36:30,155 --> 00:36:34,092
No? You tried to hit him.
I'll tell you something, I'm being honest.

706
00:36:34,159 --> 00:36:37,195
I promote domestic violence.
I think if you're in--

707
00:36:37,262 --> 00:36:40,131
No, I know it sounds crazy.
I'm telling you all some real stuff.

708
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:43,201
If you're in a relationship
and your woman hasn't tried to hit you,

709
00:36:43,268 --> 00:36:44,135
she don't love you.

710
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,470
Any woman that loves you

711
00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:48,273
is gonna try to hurt you at some point
when you make her mad.

712
00:36:48,339 --> 00:36:51,943
That's how you know you got a good woman.
I don't mind. I don't like hypocrites.

713
00:36:52,010 --> 00:36:56,014
I don't like women that are hypocrites.
Any female that'll dare a man to hit her

714
00:36:56,081 --> 00:36:59,818
for three hours, and then act surprised
when he do it. I don't like that.

715
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:01,586
I don't like that.

716
00:37:01,653 --> 00:37:04,756
You ever see a woman talk all that shit,
then act like she don't know

717
00:37:04,823 --> 00:37:06,324
where the consequences came from?

718
00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:10,361
"Yeah, let me tell you something.
I wish you would put your hands on me.

719
00:37:10,428 --> 00:37:14,799
No, I wish you would.
See, let me tell you something.

720
00:37:14,866 --> 00:37:18,002
You think I'm one of these regular bitches
that won't fight you back.

721
00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:21,940
That's what you think, but let me tell you
something. I promise you, boo-boo--"

722
00:37:24,275 --> 00:37:26,244
Ever have a girl
slow down on you like that?

723
00:37:26,311 --> 00:37:29,714
"But let me tell you something.
I promise you, boo-boo,

724
00:37:29,781 --> 00:37:32,650
it's not gonna go down the way you think.
No, don't be a bitch.

725
00:37:32,717 --> 00:37:34,619
Don't be a bitch and walk away.

726
00:37:34,686 --> 00:37:37,489
Come back, put your hands on me,
watch what I do."

727
00:37:39,557 --> 00:37:41,226
"He crazy!

728
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:43,561
Help!"

729
00:37:44,963 --> 00:37:48,767
He's not crazy. He's just tired of you
talking shit for three hours. That's all.

730
00:37:49,768 --> 00:37:52,270
Women, you all know
how to push them buttons, man.

731
00:37:52,337 --> 00:37:55,273
You're all talented.
Women, you all got a different level.

732
00:37:55,340 --> 00:37:58,877
Like, you all push men
to a different level of anger.

733
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:01,045
You ever get so mad
when you argue with a girl,

734
00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:03,381
you can't find the word,
so you gotta make a noise?

735
00:38:04,182 --> 00:38:06,718
The word is right there,
but you can't get it out.

736
00:38:06,785 --> 00:38:09,154
"Bitch, first of all, I'm trying to--

737
00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:11,122
I got all the stuff to--

738
00:38:11,422 --> 00:38:13,024
Hoo, shit!"

739
00:38:16,694 --> 00:38:20,198
You don't know where that noise came from.
You never made that noise in life.

740
00:38:21,900 --> 00:38:23,568
They make you get to those points.

741
00:38:23,635 --> 00:38:25,703
You ever outline a girl?
Know what that is?

742
00:38:25,770 --> 00:38:27,605
When you put your hands
around your lady's face.

743
00:38:27,672 --> 00:38:30,175
You don't want to hit her,
just want to show her what you could do.

744
00:38:30,241 --> 00:38:32,644
It's a scare tactic. It's real fast.

745
00:38:32,710 --> 00:38:36,347
"Bitch, say something else.
I swear to God." That's all it is.

746
00:38:36,414 --> 00:38:39,017
It's real quick.
"Say another-- swear to God, I'll--"

747
00:38:39,984 --> 00:38:41,352
Your threats don't make sense.

748
00:38:41,419 --> 00:38:44,255
"I'll put your stomach in your face
and make you eat yourself."

749
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,191
"What? What'd you say?

750
00:38:47,692 --> 00:38:50,128
Stomach in your face?
Make you eat yourself?"

751
00:38:52,764 --> 00:38:55,466
Every woman knows
how to push a man's buttons.

752
00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:58,670
That's what you're all good at.
You know how to make your man mad.

753
00:38:58,736 --> 00:39:02,574
You know how to piss him off.
You know what to say to make him mad.

754
00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:05,210
He could argue with any other woman,
he's not gonna care.

755
00:39:05,276 --> 00:39:09,380
Like, "Shut up, beat it, get out my face."
You know how to get a reaction.

756
00:39:09,447 --> 00:39:11,716
"Fuck you, Terrance.
Fuck you and your third ball."

757
00:39:11,783 --> 00:39:13,184
"What, bitch?

758
00:39:14,219 --> 00:39:15,119
My third--

759
00:39:15,186 --> 00:39:17,021
Don't talk about my third ball!

760
00:39:17,422 --> 00:39:21,559
The doctor said it's a possible
medical condition. It could be cancer."

761
00:39:22,727 --> 00:39:24,128
He doesn't like that.

762
00:39:25,563 --> 00:39:27,932
You know how to get those reactions
out of him.

763
00:39:28,633 --> 00:39:30,268
Know what my wife do to make me mad?

764
00:39:30,335 --> 00:39:33,504
I don't like it when she sings
when she gets mad. I can't stand that.

765
00:39:33,571 --> 00:39:36,774
When women get so emotional,
they start singing when they get mad.

766
00:39:36,841 --> 00:39:43,681
<i>You ain't gonna do shit, nigga</i>

767
00:39:43,948 --> 00:39:48,119
<i>You ain't gonna do shit</i>

768
00:39:48,186 --> 00:39:50,421
<i>You ain't gonna do shit</i>

769
00:39:50,655 --> 00:39:51,723
<i>You ain't gonna do it</i>

770
00:39:51,789 --> 00:39:53,858
<i>You ain't going to do shit</i>

771
00:39:54,125 --> 00:39:57,228
You just gotta sit there
with the "You ain't gonna do shit" face.

772
00:40:01,299 --> 00:40:04,302
That's the face
that say you ain't got nothing left.

773
00:40:07,605 --> 00:40:08,606
That's what women do.

774
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:11,943
Women, you play mind games.

775
00:40:12,010 --> 00:40:13,711
Stop forgiving men for stuff,

776
00:40:13,778 --> 00:40:16,281
and after you forgive them,
forgetting you forgave them,

777
00:40:16,347 --> 00:40:18,583
and talk about the shit
you forgave them for,

778
00:40:18,650 --> 00:40:20,385
and get mad about it. Stop doing that.

779
00:40:20,451 --> 00:40:22,153
If you forgave him, forgive him.

780
00:40:22,220 --> 00:40:24,489
Nothing worse than being a man
that messed up in the past.

781
00:40:24,555 --> 00:40:27,592
You trying to correct yourself,
but your woman keep bringing the past up.

782
00:40:27,659 --> 00:40:30,061
Every time you tell the truth,
it sounds like you're lying.

783
00:40:30,128 --> 00:40:32,163
When you're lying,
it sounds like you're telling the truth.

784
00:40:32,697 --> 00:40:36,768
I was at the point where I'm afraid
for my wife to hear me have fun.

785
00:40:36,834 --> 00:40:38,169
I be trying to shut fun down.

786
00:40:38,236 --> 00:40:40,038
When she's not around,
and she calls me,

787
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:43,308
I get mad at my friends.
"Shut the fuck up! Everybody shut up!

788
00:40:43,374 --> 00:40:44,275
Look!

789
00:40:44,342 --> 00:40:46,411
Put your seat belts on. Buckle up.

790
00:40:46,644 --> 00:40:49,614
Put your seat belt on.
I don't know where she is. Look safe.

791
00:40:51,616 --> 00:40:55,053
Look straight ahead
until we figure this out. She's crazy."

792
00:40:56,988 --> 00:41:00,258
That's what women do. I'mma tell you
how you can tell a battered man.

793
00:41:00,325 --> 00:41:03,428
Wanna know how you can tell a man's
been through so much emotionally?

794
00:41:03,494 --> 00:41:06,564
When you speak to a man and he starts
talking about his relationship

795
00:41:06,631 --> 00:41:09,534
without you asking anything about it,
that's a battered man.

796
00:41:10,001 --> 00:41:12,570
As soon as you meet him,
"Hey, how you doing?"

797
00:41:12,637 --> 00:41:14,706
"My wife and I go camping every week."

798
00:41:14,772 --> 00:41:16,074
"What?"

799
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,575
"She likes cheerios too."

800
00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:18,609
"What are you--"

801
00:41:19,210 --> 00:41:21,946
He's battered. He thinks
that you're one of her friends,

802
00:41:22,013 --> 00:41:25,283
and she sent you to come talk to him.
He thinks it's a setup.

803
00:41:25,683 --> 00:41:27,986
He's so crazy, he's thinking
five steps ahead of you,

804
00:41:28,052 --> 00:41:29,354
because he doesn't know what's what.

805
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:32,457
I'm just being honest.

806
00:41:32,523 --> 00:41:34,726
I'm telling you all things
that really go on.

807
00:41:34,792 --> 00:41:37,195
Tell you something else:
Know when to fight your woman

808
00:41:37,261 --> 00:41:38,830
and when not to fight your woman.

809
00:41:38,896 --> 00:41:41,099
Whenever you're in a car,
don't fight your woman.

810
00:41:41,165 --> 00:41:42,633
Not while you're driving.

811
00:41:42,700 --> 00:41:45,370
Reason why is
because your face is open, okay?

812
00:41:47,071 --> 00:41:52,276
You don't have any defense.
I'm telling you guys from my past.

813
00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:54,579
I'm telling you about things
I went through, okay?

814
00:41:54,645 --> 00:41:57,682
You don't want to do it. This is
when I found out my lady was crazy.

815
00:41:57,749 --> 00:41:59,050
On a highway, she hit me.

816
00:41:59,117 --> 00:42:02,086
Anybody that hits you
when you're on the expressway of any kind

817
00:42:02,153 --> 00:42:05,523
don't care about their life.
Let's get that out, okay?

818
00:42:05,590 --> 00:42:07,759
We're on the highway,
coming from an event.

819
00:42:07,825 --> 00:42:09,894
My kid's in the back seat. We're arguing.

820
00:42:09,961 --> 00:42:12,930
I'm like, "Your problem is
you don't respect me as a man.

821
00:42:12,997 --> 00:42:15,633
Until you respect me as a man,
we're gonna have problems.

822
00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:16,968
That's why we fight so much.

823
00:42:17,035 --> 00:42:19,404
Honestly, I'm thinking
about putting my hands on you.

824
00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:21,839
Keep on and I'mma show you
what that feels like.

825
00:42:21,906 --> 00:42:23,374
'Cause you're stupid, and you act--"

826
00:42:31,082 --> 00:42:33,618
I've never been so afraid
for my life, dude.

827
00:42:34,619 --> 00:42:35,887
She tried to kill me!

828
00:42:36,954 --> 00:42:39,290
I looked in the back,
my daughter was like...

829
00:42:43,161 --> 00:42:45,463
Done turned my baby against me
and everything.

830
00:42:47,498 --> 00:42:48,533
You gotta know.

831
00:42:49,133 --> 00:42:50,668
You gotta know your woman.

832
00:42:51,335 --> 00:42:53,771
Fellas, don't be afraid
to be a man, fellas.

833
00:42:53,838 --> 00:42:57,275
I don't care what you going through.
Don't be afraid to be a man.

834
00:42:57,341 --> 00:43:00,111
Stop being yes-men.
No woman wants a yes-man.

835
00:43:00,178 --> 00:43:02,580
Don't think that's gonna make
your relationship better

836
00:43:02,647 --> 00:43:04,749
because you agree
with your woman all the time.

837
00:43:04,816 --> 00:43:06,184
It's not going to.

838
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:09,654
It makes you look stupid.
You're just saying yes all the time.

839
00:43:09,954 --> 00:43:11,355
"Huh? Yeah.

840
00:43:13,758 --> 00:43:16,260
Yeah, what do you need?

841
00:43:16,327 --> 00:43:17,762
Yeah, I'll get it. Yeah.

842
00:43:17,995 --> 00:43:19,197
Huh? Yeah.

843
00:43:20,031 --> 00:43:21,466
Yeah, all right. Yeah.

844
00:43:21,833 --> 00:43:24,969
No, yeah, I'll go now.
Yeah, I'll get it. Yeah.

845
00:43:25,369 --> 00:43:26,404
What do you need?

846
00:43:26,471 --> 00:43:29,273
Yeah, all right. Okay, yeah.

847
00:43:29,340 --> 00:43:31,843
I'll get it now. I'll pick it up. Yeah.

848
00:43:31,909 --> 00:43:35,279
What? No, I just left. You want me
to go back? Yeah, I'll go back."

849
00:43:36,013 --> 00:43:37,982
Fag, fucking get some balls.

850
00:43:38,916 --> 00:43:39,984
Be a man.

851
00:43:40,051 --> 00:43:41,018
Argue.

852
00:43:41,586 --> 00:43:45,723
That's what you in a relationship for.
You're in your relationship to argue.

853
00:43:45,790 --> 00:43:48,693
That's what men are there for. We argue.

854
00:43:48,759 --> 00:43:51,028
Even when you wrong, argue.

855
00:43:51,395 --> 00:43:53,364
I've been caught red-handed several times.

856
00:43:53,431 --> 00:43:56,734
Argue. You want to know how you win
every single argument? Be loud.

857
00:43:56,801 --> 00:43:58,736
That's all. Women can't handle that.

858
00:43:58,803 --> 00:44:01,672
Women can't handle when a man's
voice gets past a certain level.

859
00:44:01,739 --> 00:44:03,708
They break down.
They don't know what to do.

860
00:44:03,774 --> 00:44:07,411
I've been caught. Just mean what you say.
And after you say it, walk out.

861
00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:09,680
You can't stick around. You gotta--

862
00:44:11,048 --> 00:44:14,152
If you stick around, you give them
a chance to come back and confuse you.

863
00:44:14,218 --> 00:44:16,787
Say your point,
get the fuck out the room. Go!

864
00:44:18,089 --> 00:44:19,524
"Kevin, I saw you!

865
00:44:19,590 --> 00:44:23,528
I saw you! I saw the bitch in your car!
You gonna tell me I didn't see you?

866
00:44:23,594 --> 00:44:24,962
I saw that bitch in your car!"

867
00:44:25,029 --> 00:44:28,432
"Man, shut up! Shut the fuck up, man!
Every time I come in the house,

868
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:31,102
You got the microwave on high. Fuck you!"
Walk out.

869
00:44:35,006 --> 00:44:36,741
You can't give her no chance.

870
00:44:39,377 --> 00:44:41,612
She just gonna
be standing there like, "What?

871
00:44:43,614 --> 00:44:46,450
I thought he liked it
when I used the microwave.

872
00:44:47,251 --> 00:44:50,188
I don't understand him
or what he wants from me anymore.

873
00:44:50,254 --> 00:44:51,355
I don't understand."

874
00:44:53,257 --> 00:44:56,327
I remember one time,
we got into an argument over a giraffe.

875
00:44:57,328 --> 00:44:59,564
We were talking about money.
She was mad at me.

876
00:44:59,630 --> 00:45:02,733
Like, "You're spending too much.
I'm tired of you going out to clubs,

877
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:04,268
spending money on your girls.

878
00:45:04,335 --> 00:45:06,337
That money needs to be spent
on your family."

879
00:45:06,404 --> 00:45:08,306
"Don't tell me what to do with my money.

880
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:11,909
If I want to go buy a giraffe,
I'll go buy a damn giraffe."

881
00:45:11,976 --> 00:45:14,879
I was trying to be a smart ass.
I'm thinking it's over.

882
00:45:14,979 --> 00:45:17,582
She was like, "You ain't gonna buy
no giraffe in this house."

883
00:45:18,149 --> 00:45:19,850
That's when I lost it.

884
00:45:20,618 --> 00:45:21,652
"I bet I do

885
00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:24,155
buy a damn giraffe in this house!

886
00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:26,190
Tell me I won't buy no damn giraffe.

887
00:45:26,290 --> 00:45:31,429
I'll go on www.getagiraffe.com right now
and have that giraffe here tomorrow.

888
00:45:31,495 --> 00:45:34,966
Teach that giraffe how to head butt you.
Tell me I won't get no giraffe."

889
00:45:35,032 --> 00:45:38,269
I tried to get one. You can't get 'em.
It's hard to get a giraffe.

890
00:45:39,337 --> 00:45:40,171
It is.

891
00:45:40,238 --> 00:45:43,741
I swear I was gonna have that giraffe
right outside my house, just walking it.

892
00:45:47,812 --> 00:45:50,414
Just walking my giraffe.

893
00:45:55,052 --> 00:45:57,154
You know the move
that you can't ever fall for?

894
00:45:57,221 --> 00:45:59,423
"All I gotta do." You ever hear that shit?

895
00:46:00,258 --> 00:46:01,726
"All I gotta do is..."

896
00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:06,230
I fell for that, 'cause we don't know
what you're talking about.

897
00:46:06,297 --> 00:46:10,034
"All I gotta do is crimp my hair."
We don't know what the fuck a crimp is.

898
00:46:10,101 --> 00:46:11,836
"That's it?" That's what we just do.

899
00:46:11,902 --> 00:46:13,671
"Oh, okay. Yeah, all right."

900
00:46:17,575 --> 00:46:19,810
Dumb ass man. "Yeah, cool, all right."

901
00:46:21,178 --> 00:46:24,048
Been in the bathroom five days.
"I thought you had to crimp it."

902
00:46:24,115 --> 00:46:27,351
"That's what I'm doing!" They flip it
on you. Ever have a woman flip it?

903
00:46:27,418 --> 00:46:29,053
"I thought you was gonna be quick."

904
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:32,423
"Well, I can't do it if you're in my face!
Let me do it!"

905
00:46:33,024 --> 00:46:35,359
"All right, yeah. All right, cool.

906
00:46:36,193 --> 00:46:38,596
Let's go out.
I'll let you crimp it, sorry."

907
00:46:40,931 --> 00:46:44,068
Just telling you what I know.
This is from experience.

908
00:46:44,535 --> 00:46:47,471
But women, at the same time,
you gotta understand your man.

909
00:46:47,538 --> 00:46:50,174
You gotta know
when to leave your man alone.

910
00:46:50,241 --> 00:46:52,143
Men give signs just like women give signs.

911
00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:55,079
If your husband or your boyfriend
drives a minivan,

912
00:46:55,146 --> 00:46:57,281
leave him alone.

913
00:46:58,516 --> 00:47:01,919
Any man that drives a minivan
does not care about life.

914
00:47:01,986 --> 00:47:04,055
He don't give a fuck. He don't.

915
00:47:04,288 --> 00:47:06,991
Every time he slide
that long-ass door closed,

916
00:47:07,892 --> 00:47:10,161
he is cursing you
the fuck out in his mind.

917
00:47:10,227 --> 00:47:12,630
"Stupid-ass bitch got me driving
a goddamn ambulance.

918
00:47:12,697 --> 00:47:14,799
Sit down! Sit the hell down!

919
00:47:14,865 --> 00:47:17,168
Thomas, eat another booger
off that windshield, I'll kill you.

920
00:47:17,868 --> 00:47:18,836
I hate my life."

921
00:47:20,871 --> 00:47:24,475
I'll tell you the real sign. If your man
wears sweatpants with no pockets,

922
00:47:24,542 --> 00:47:25,576
that's a sign.

923
00:47:26,477 --> 00:47:29,413
Any man that doesn't have pockets
don't care about life.

924
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:31,582
You ever go a day without pockets?

925
00:47:31,649 --> 00:47:33,984
Think about how important
your pockets are.

926
00:47:34,051 --> 00:47:38,889
That means you don't care about change,
receipts, your wallet. You don't care.

927
00:47:39,623 --> 00:47:40,458
Don't believe me?

928
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:44,061
Try to get a man that don't have pockets
to wear pockets. Watch how mad he get.

929
00:47:44,128 --> 00:47:46,897
I tried to get my dad to wear pockets.
We was going to church.

930
00:47:46,964 --> 00:47:49,800
"Dad, we're going to church.
Put some pants with pockets on."

931
00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:53,771
He's like, "What the fuck I need
pockets for? She took everything!"

932
00:47:54,372 --> 00:47:55,206
All right.

933
00:47:56,006 --> 00:47:56,907
All right.

934
00:47:58,342 --> 00:48:00,611
You can use my pockets, Dad.

935
00:48:00,678 --> 00:48:02,813
This nigga's crazy.
He lost his god damn mind.

936
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,849
He's gonna snap on me about pockets.

937
00:48:09,186 --> 00:48:11,555
You got that family reunion laugh
right there.

938
00:48:14,158 --> 00:48:16,761
Sounds like he's gargling beer right now.

939
00:48:22,933 --> 00:48:24,301
That's how them thug dudes be.

940
00:48:24,368 --> 00:48:27,805
You ever see a thug dude when they don't
want to laugh? They're like...

941
00:48:31,375 --> 00:48:33,611
"Hey, cuz, get the fuck out of here."

942
00:48:34,345 --> 00:48:37,314
But he trying to laugh.
"That shit is stupid. Hey."

943
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:47,892
They trying to cover up their laughs
real quick.

944
00:48:47,958 --> 00:48:50,227
"Go ahead, nigga,
ain't nobody come here to--

945
00:48:54,832 --> 00:48:57,268
It's not that funny, cuz. Not that funny.

946
00:48:57,902 --> 00:49:00,571
Trying to kill you, nigga. Kill you."

947
00:49:03,407 --> 00:49:07,044
I talk all this stuff about relationships,
but I like mine the way it is.

948
00:49:07,111 --> 00:49:08,813
I do. I like drama.

949
00:49:08,879 --> 00:49:12,383
I'm attracted to drama.
If you're in a relationship, drama's good.

950
00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:14,084
I couldn't deal with no happy woman.

951
00:49:14,151 --> 00:49:16,086
Could you deal
if she was happy all the time?

952
00:49:16,153 --> 00:49:18,122
You come home,
she's got some happy shit to say?

953
00:49:18,823 --> 00:49:21,158
As soon as you walk in the door,
she's just happy.

954
00:49:21,225 --> 00:49:24,562
Soon as you come home,
"Oh, my God, who's home? You are!"

955
00:49:27,264 --> 00:49:29,567
"Tickle! Tickle!"

956
00:49:30,267 --> 00:49:31,902
"Sit your stupid ass down.

957
00:49:33,070 --> 00:49:35,172
I got fired today,
you want to tickle somebody.

958
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:36,273
Sit down!

959
00:49:36,340 --> 00:49:37,575
Stupid ass."

960
00:49:39,743 --> 00:49:41,679
Nobody want to deal with that shit.

961
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,548
Drama. Trying to stab me.

962
00:49:48,252 --> 00:49:50,387
Ever have one pull a knife out on you?

963
00:49:51,288 --> 00:49:52,556
That's some sexy shit there.

964
00:49:52,623 --> 00:49:54,458
"Bitch, put-- Hey, I'm not playing now.

965
00:49:54,525 --> 00:49:57,228
Put the fucking knife-- Hey, do it again--

966
00:49:57,294 --> 00:49:58,696
Shit. You got me.

967
00:49:58,762 --> 00:50:01,999
Yeah, that time, you really got there.
We should go to the hospital."

968
00:50:04,134 --> 00:50:06,437
You know what it is? I don't like
the whole dating game.

969
00:50:06,537 --> 00:50:08,405
That's why I accept my situation.

970
00:50:08,472 --> 00:50:10,808
I see a bunch of couples here now,
all just dating.

971
00:50:10,875 --> 00:50:12,676
I don't like dating. Know why I don't?

972
00:50:12,743 --> 00:50:15,012
I try to impress women too much,
that's my problem.

973
00:50:15,079 --> 00:50:18,148
I went out, bought this big ass truck
just to try and impress women.

974
00:50:18,215 --> 00:50:20,518
I didn't know
everybody looks tall in a truck.

975
00:50:20,584 --> 00:50:24,021
Like, you don't notice somebody's small
until they get out of the truck.

976
00:50:24,722 --> 00:50:27,191
I had to find out the hard way
because I like to flirt.

977
00:50:27,258 --> 00:50:29,960
At the stop light, I saw this girl.
"Damn, you look good.

978
00:50:30,027 --> 00:50:32,930
Pull over, let me talk to you."
She's like, "He's kind of cute."

979
00:50:32,997 --> 00:50:35,900
Her and her girlfriend high-five.
They was happy.

980
00:50:36,734 --> 00:50:40,905
She was like, "Get out, come talk to me."
And I can't get out my truck, right?

981
00:50:40,971 --> 00:50:42,273
I gotta jump out.

982
00:50:42,506 --> 00:50:45,910
But when I jumped out,
I didn't have a good landing.

983
00:50:45,976 --> 00:50:47,411
I stumbled a little bit.

984
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:51,148
All I heard was, "Oh, my God, he doesn't
have any knees." And they just--

985
00:50:51,849 --> 00:50:55,386
They just pulled off.
I said, "Ain't this a bitch? I got knees."

986
00:50:55,452 --> 00:50:57,421
It was a bad jump,

987
00:50:57,488 --> 00:51:00,658
because when I landed, I twisted my ankle,
my head hit the windshield.

988
00:51:00,724 --> 00:51:02,560
I was trying to pull myself up.

989
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:05,362
I admit it looked a little retarded.

990
00:51:05,429 --> 00:51:08,799
But to yell out I don't have knees
is selfish. How did I get out the truck?

991
00:51:08,866 --> 00:51:11,468
I didn't roll out the bitch.
That's why I had an attitude.

992
00:51:13,771 --> 00:51:17,007
I had one girl that had one of those
laughs that make you stop laughing.

993
00:51:17,975 --> 00:51:20,477
Ever meet somebody like that?
With a laugh that's so bad

994
00:51:20,544 --> 00:51:22,646
that you gotta stop having a good time?

995
00:51:22,713 --> 00:51:25,349
Because it wasn't a laugh,
it was a snicker/snout.

996
00:51:25,416 --> 00:51:27,651
She did it at everything.
Stuff that wasn't funny.

997
00:51:27,718 --> 00:51:29,019
We was going to the movies.

998
00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:31,555
I'm like, "There's a long line,
I'mma go park the car.

999
00:51:31,622 --> 00:51:34,358
Why don't you go wait in line?"
She's all, "All right, I don't mind."

1000
00:51:35,893 --> 00:51:38,529
I didn't know what it was at first,
so I didn't say nothing.

1001
00:51:38,596 --> 00:51:39,663
I still had the car on.

1002
00:51:39,730 --> 00:51:43,400
I was like, "The car shouldn't sound
like this, because it's a new car.

1003
00:51:43,467 --> 00:51:46,870
I just got this car. I better not have
no damn problems with this car."

1004
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,773
I was like, "Hey, look,
get some popcorn with a lot of butter."

1005
00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:51,976
She was like, "Oh, my God, I love butter."

1006
00:51:53,877 --> 00:51:58,248
I was like, "Okay, that was you that time.
I saw it, because I made eye contact.

1007
00:51:58,315 --> 00:51:59,216
I don't like that.

1008
00:51:59,283 --> 00:52:02,252
That's nasty. It sounds like
you're swallowing snot or something."

1009
00:52:02,319 --> 00:52:04,922
But then it dawned on me
where she got it from,

1010
00:52:04,989 --> 00:52:08,592
because I met her dad earlier that day.
Her dad had one of those laughs--

1011
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:11,261
I call it the rich white guy laugh.
You know what that is?

1012
00:52:11,328 --> 00:52:13,397
It's a laugh
that's followed by an awful joke.

1013
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,101
The joke doesn't make you laugh,
but the laugh eventually makes you laugh.

1014
00:52:17,167 --> 00:52:21,939
When he found out that I was a comedian,
he kept trying to tell me jokes. "So...

1015
00:52:22,406 --> 00:52:24,742
So, you're a comic, right? Okay.

1016
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:32,082
Well, all right, listen.

1017
00:52:32,316 --> 00:52:36,387
I got a joke for you.
You can keep it if you want, I don't mind.

1018
00:52:37,721 --> 00:52:39,456
All right, you ready?

1019
00:52:39,523 --> 00:52:40,591
All right, okay.

1020
00:52:41,592 --> 00:52:43,661
All right, this is crazy. It's so good.

1021
00:52:43,727 --> 00:52:46,530
All right. So, I'm at the office.

1022
00:52:46,597 --> 00:52:48,832
I'm at the office, I tell this guy,

1023
00:52:48,899 --> 00:52:51,769
I said to him-- what did I--
Wait, what did I say?

1024
00:52:51,835 --> 00:52:53,237
Wait a minute.

1025
00:52:54,772 --> 00:52:57,675
All right, I got it, okay. All right.

1026
00:52:57,941 --> 00:53:00,544
So I'm at the office, right?
I'm at the office.

1027
00:53:00,611 --> 00:53:03,714
And I tell this guy, I said to him,

1028
00:53:03,781 --> 00:53:06,316
I said, 'Hey, pass me the stapler,

1029
00:53:06,383 --> 00:53:09,086
but when you pass it,
make sure staples are in it,

1030
00:53:09,153 --> 00:53:11,622
because if it isn't,
I can't staple anything.'"

1031
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:26,603
I didn't want to laugh,

1032
00:53:26,670 --> 00:53:30,007
but he kept looking right at me
while he was doing it.

1033
00:53:39,683 --> 00:53:41,118
Here's the weird thing.

1034
00:53:41,185 --> 00:53:43,687
Like, you know how people clap
when they laugh? Like...

1035
00:53:45,122 --> 00:53:48,025
You know that? He had a clap
that he would do with his laugh,

1036
00:53:48,092 --> 00:53:50,828
but I never knew when it was coming.
I couldn't time it.

1037
00:53:50,894 --> 00:53:52,796
You know how sometimes
you can time a clap?

1038
00:53:52,863 --> 00:53:56,366
I didn't know when the clap was coming,
so it was hard for me to participate

1039
00:53:56,433 --> 00:53:58,869
and clap with him,
because it took too long.

1040
00:53:58,936 --> 00:54:02,372
But he was still looking at me
the whole time. He's like...

1041
00:54:21,658 --> 00:54:25,028
That was, like, 57 seconds right there.
I can't wait 57 seconds.

1042
00:54:26,830 --> 00:54:28,232
That was a long time ago.

1043
00:54:29,433 --> 00:54:32,369
I had this one tall girl.
I didn't even care that she was tall.

1044
00:54:32,436 --> 00:54:35,973
She was tall as shit. She was a model.
I didn't care because she made me laugh.

1045
00:54:36,039 --> 00:54:39,076
You make me laugh, that's a bonus.
It's my job to make people laugh.

1046
00:54:39,143 --> 00:54:40,778
You make me laugh, it's a turn on.

1047
00:54:40,844 --> 00:54:42,813
One day, she tried
to mess with me mentally.

1048
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:45,349
We're in the supermarket.
I'm going to get some milk.

1049
00:54:45,415 --> 00:54:49,119
Now, normally, they put my milk
on the middle row in the aisle.

1050
00:54:49,820 --> 00:54:51,622
This day, it was on the top row.

1051
00:54:51,688 --> 00:54:55,325
You know when you can't reach something,
how you start stretching for it, like...

1052
00:54:55,392 --> 00:54:57,094
Because I don't get it, I was like...

1053
00:54:58,228 --> 00:55:00,264
She's like,
"Don't stretch, let me grab it."

1054
00:55:00,330 --> 00:55:02,866
I turned around, there was
a bunch of people in the aisle

1055
00:55:02,933 --> 00:55:06,403
looking at her about to grab my milk.
I got mad, I punched her in the rib.

1056
00:55:06,470 --> 00:55:10,174
I was like, "Bitch, don't be trying
to play me in front of them people."

1057
00:55:10,240 --> 00:55:11,408
She's like, "I ain't."

1058
00:55:11,475 --> 00:55:13,477
I was like, "You are.
If you want to help me,

1059
00:55:13,544 --> 00:55:16,013
pick me up and let me grab it.
That's how you help."

1060
00:55:16,079 --> 00:55:17,381
She was like, "All right."

1061
00:55:18,048 --> 00:55:20,317
Because I'm a thug. I'm a thug first.

1062
00:55:22,886 --> 00:55:26,590
Are you guys double-dating?
It looks like a double date. Kind of?

1063
00:55:26,657 --> 00:55:27,524
That's good.

1064
00:55:28,292 --> 00:55:31,128
I would say don't do it no more though.
Don't ever double date.

1065
00:55:31,195 --> 00:55:34,198
You know why?
Because you compete with the other couple.

1066
00:55:34,264 --> 00:55:37,501
You don't even know you competing.
I'm telling you, you compete.

1067
00:55:37,568 --> 00:55:40,204
I'll show you right now.
If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong.

1068
00:55:40,270 --> 00:55:43,974
Let's say you lean over, give your girl
a kiss. Real innocent. "Love you, babe."

1069
00:55:44,041 --> 00:55:47,211
First thing she's gonna do is look at him.
She's like, "Must be nice."

1070
00:55:50,447 --> 00:55:51,548
Now you're competing.

1071
00:55:52,082 --> 00:55:54,918
Now, the only way you can win
is to suck her titty right here.

1072
00:55:54,985 --> 00:55:56,086
You gotta do it.

1073
00:55:56,153 --> 00:55:59,923
That's the only way. You gotta pull
your titty out right now. That's it.

1074
00:56:01,525 --> 00:56:05,028
Women, you all discuss personal business,
and that personal stuff come out.

1075
00:56:05,095 --> 00:56:06,797
It come out when you all arguing.

1076
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:09,199
You all all at dinner,
you're having a good time.

1077
00:56:09,266 --> 00:56:12,035
Then one day you get mad.
You be like, "I hate you, Michelle.

1078
00:56:12,102 --> 00:56:14,638
You come out all the time, get drunk,
mess up the night."

1079
00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:17,708
You be like, "Whatever, fuck you, Tariq.
At least I don't eat ass."

1080
00:56:17,774 --> 00:56:20,143
You be like, "What?
What you talking about?"

1081
00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:22,746
"Oh, you don't eat ass?
Erica, he doesn't eat ass."

1082
00:56:22,813 --> 00:56:27,017
Now you gotta put her on the spot.
"You told him I eat ass?"

1083
00:56:28,785 --> 00:56:32,956
"Everybody was talking. I didn't know
that it would come out like this."

1084
00:56:33,023 --> 00:56:36,026
Now you gotta sit there
with the "You ate ass" face.

1085
00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:47,838
That's the "You just ate ass" face.

1086
00:56:51,842 --> 00:56:53,977
Conversation's been over,
but she's still mad.

1087
00:56:54,044 --> 00:56:56,747
"All the times I ate your ass
was on your birthday.

1088
00:56:56,813 --> 00:56:58,081
Let's get that out the way.

1089
00:56:58,148 --> 00:57:01,084
No, you want to talk about it,
let's talk about it.

1090
00:57:01,151 --> 00:57:03,420
Okay? I didn't get you shit,
you said eat your ass.

1091
00:57:03,487 --> 00:57:05,255
I was like, 'Cool,' so I ate your ass.

1092
00:57:05,322 --> 00:57:07,991
Don't make it seem like
I'm just eating your ass every day.

1093
00:57:08,058 --> 00:57:11,595
Everybody sitting here pushing my drink
to the side, like I got the shit mouth.

1094
00:57:11,662 --> 00:57:12,763
Fuck you all, man!

1095
00:57:13,163 --> 00:57:17,367
I bet there won't be no more ass eating
up in here. I bet that. I bet...

1096
00:57:19,236 --> 00:57:21,471
that's your last ass-eating incident."

1097
00:57:27,277 --> 00:57:29,379
Nothing funnier
than people's personal problems

1098
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:31,148
coming out in front of other people.

1099
00:57:31,515 --> 00:57:33,116
That's the funniest thing to me,

1100
00:57:33,183 --> 00:57:36,286
when people's problems get brought
to light in front of other people.

1101
00:57:36,353 --> 00:57:38,088
You gotta act like you ain't hear it.

1102
00:57:39,489 --> 00:57:42,492
You ever hear another couple argue,
you hear some weird shit?

1103
00:57:42,559 --> 00:57:44,127
You never heard some weird shit?

1104
00:57:44,194 --> 00:57:46,196
"Whatever, bitch,
you the one with the dildos

1105
00:57:46,263 --> 00:57:47,698
all up there in the house!"

1106
00:57:52,402 --> 00:57:54,071
You be at the dinner table, like...

1107
00:58:01,378 --> 00:58:04,915
You try to whisper it to your lady.
"She got dildos in the house?

1108
00:58:07,517 --> 00:58:10,754
This bitch is crazy.
She got dildos all up in the house."

1109
00:58:13,056 --> 00:58:16,293
I think that's the funniest stuff
in the world, other people's problems.

1110
00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:18,829
There's nothing funnier
than other people's problems.

1111
00:58:18,895 --> 00:58:22,499
Other people's kids. I remember me
and my boy got into it one day.

1112
00:58:22,566 --> 00:58:26,036
I told him I didn't think his baby
was where she was supposed to be mentally.

1113
00:58:26,103 --> 00:58:27,304
That's what I told him.

1114
00:58:28,405 --> 00:58:29,573
I did. I told him that.

1115
00:58:29,639 --> 00:58:32,509
I said, "I think you might have
a dumb baby. It's a chance...

1116
00:58:33,143 --> 00:58:34,644
that your baby might be dumb."

1117
00:58:34,711 --> 00:58:36,346
But I felt like, me, as your friend,

1118
00:58:36,413 --> 00:58:38,382
I should be able to tell you that.
You know?

1119
00:58:38,448 --> 00:58:40,784
"I'm your friend,
so my constructive criticism

1120
00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:42,352
should be good criticism to you."

1121
00:58:42,419 --> 00:58:45,022
But he got mad. He's like,
"My baby's smarter than yours."

1122
00:58:45,088 --> 00:58:46,590
I was like, "Bet money." "Bet?"

1123
00:58:46,656 --> 00:58:49,292
"What you want to do?"
"Sit them in the middle of the floor

1124
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,462
and see which baby can hold
their head up the longest." "Oh, shit."

1125
00:58:54,698 --> 00:58:56,299
My baby got a problem, right?

1126
00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:58,502
But I can't back down.
I was like, "Bet, bitch."

1127
00:58:58,568 --> 00:59:01,038
So we put our babies
in the middle of the floor.

1128
00:59:01,104 --> 00:59:02,606
And they was going at it.

1129
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:04,841
My was son was like...

1130
00:59:06,176 --> 00:59:09,279
And his baby was looking at my son,
so his baby got dizzy and fell.

1131
00:59:09,346 --> 00:59:11,214
I was like, "Look at that dumb-ass baby."

1132
00:59:11,281 --> 00:59:14,785
I didn't kick his baby,
I just moved his baby away from my baby.

1133
00:59:15,452 --> 00:59:17,354
I didn't want that dumb stuff to wear off.

1134
01:09:36,321 --> 01:09:39,858
Hey, you all have been a great crowd, man.
My name is Kevin Hart.

1135
01:09:40,125 --> 01:09:42,194
Thank you all. I appreciate it.

1136
01:09:43,162 --> 01:09:44,029
Love it.

1137
01:09:44,763 --> 01:09:45,964
I should see--

1138
01:09:47,366 --> 01:09:48,267
Michelle.

1139
01:09:50,369 --> 01:09:52,271
Hey, see if I can get my babies.

1140
01:09:52,571 --> 01:09:54,540
See if my babies are up before I go.

1141
01:09:54,973 --> 01:09:57,242
I'mma show you all my babies before I go.

1142
01:09:58,610 --> 01:10:01,313
Act like I left already.
I just want you all to see my kids.

1143
01:10:01,380 --> 01:10:03,916
I'mma see if my son
come out here shaking his head.

1144
01:10:03,982 --> 01:10:07,486
I'mma see. Don't move.
You all stay right here for a second.

1145
01:10:24,837 --> 01:10:27,072
Look how nosy my son is. Look at him.

1146
01:10:28,240 --> 01:10:30,809
No smile or nothing.
He angry. Just look at him.

1147
01:10:30,876 --> 01:10:31,810
Smile, man.

1148
01:10:32,344 --> 01:10:33,579
Just smile one time.

1149
01:10:34,580 --> 01:10:35,714
Stop-- Come on, now!

1150
01:10:37,783 --> 01:10:40,018
Do the thing Daddy told you to do now.

1151
01:10:40,652 --> 01:10:42,354
Yeah, okay, that's cool.

1152
01:10:42,888 --> 01:10:43,922
That's close.

1153
01:10:44,356 --> 01:10:46,091
Heaven, say hi.

1154
01:10:46,692 --> 01:10:47,593
Turn around.

1155
01:10:48,193 --> 01:10:49,561
Let them see your face.

1156
01:10:50,095 --> 01:10:50,963
Stop.

1157
01:10:52,498 --> 01:10:54,733
Say hi. There, go to the microphone.
Just say hi.

1158
01:10:55,434 --> 01:10:57,202
-Say hi.
-No.

1159
01:10:59,037 --> 01:11:01,740
Anyway, this is so you all can see
what I tell is the truth.

1160
01:11:01,807 --> 01:11:04,676
I really appreciate the love and support.
And continue, you all.

1161
01:11:04,743 --> 01:11:08,280
It's really going good for me right...
It's really going good for me right now.

1162
01:11:08,347 --> 01:11:10,582
And I really, genuinely
appreciate the support.

1163
01:11:10,649 --> 01:11:13,919
Once again, my name's Kevin Hart.
I love you all. Take it easy.